Grace's Space

Right now, life is pretty..um..abundant. Jesus said that He came so that we might have life and have it abundantly. I think it's safe to say that we are experiencing that abundance right now in all areas of our life except perhaps for sleep. Sleep seems to be the one thing that we could always use more of around here.

Some wise people have said that before God calls you into something new, you first have to be called out of where you are. That phrase could probably be used to sum up our fall journey. Over the course of a month or so, I was catapulted out of my church bubble and into the real world. Before, the majority of my relationship time was spent with friends from within the church. Now, most of my friendships are with people in my community. Some of these relationships have been in process for several years, while others are brand new.

Three years ago, my kids and I followed a young mom through our complex so we could meet her baby. About two weeks ago, she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. Yesterday we started shopping for her wedding dress. May I say how much I love looking for wedding dresses?

Yesterday we had an impromptu dinner party with our neighbors. We were celebrating one month of them being in Canada. Although this is a brand spanking new friendship, I think we have shared more meals with them in the past month than with any of our other friends. Over the past several months, having people over for dinner has become a constant. I think we're averaging about once a week, but I'm not quite sure. Either way, I am having a lot of fun feeding both new and old friends. Our home is becoming a safe welcoming place for people to drop in and be fed. Unfortunately, I'm still working on the clean part.

After attending a birth in November, I stepped out in faith and registered for a doula training course. Although this has been the next step in my long-term plans, I was scared. Much of the process calls for me to step out of my comfort zone, something that has been becoming smaller and smaller over the last couple of years. My wonderful husband really came alongside me to help this happen. He's arranged childcare for when I had a birth, went with me to Toronto for the training, encouraged me when I was discouraged, prayed for me often and has just generally been wonderful. I attended my first birth as a doula in March and am currently on call for the next. After the March birth, I have become much more confident in many areas of my life, including driving. I have two years in which to complete the certification requirements which include attending 3 births. In November, I worried about how I would get my births in, but now it looks like I may have all three by fall. That boggles my mind! God is good!

As my life picks up speed, I'm struggling to maintain balance. Please pray for me that I will develop good habits, especially around rest and nutrition. As I have added more children to my life, finding and maintaining a quiet place has been challenging. After sustaining a head trauma this fall, my headaches/migraines have become more frequent. I would greatly appreciate prayer for physical, emotional and spiritual health.

Grace’s Space

This fall has been challenging for me. Several important things in my life were brought to an end, leaving me sad, hurt and confused. In the midst of this season of change, although painful, God has richly blessed me.

My relationship with Steve has gone to a whole new level. He supported me, spoke on my behalf and continues to pray for me and over me. I am so thankful for my wonderful husband.

My relationship with God has also deepened significantly . At the beginning of this, I spent a dark night of the soul seeking God and He answered. I must confess that I don't exactly like or completely understand His answer. But I am beginning to trust God with all my heart, even when it doesn't make sense.

Through this turmoil, my pastoral couple has come alongside Steve and I.  They have not been with our church for long. And although I really like them, we hadn't gone very deep. As a result of this fall, I now know them much better and have built significant trust with them.

However, although there are many blessings, I still hurt. I must confess that I don't understand what God is doing, or how this will end well.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to assist a friend as she gave birth.  Before she went into labour, we were talking about how our lives are part of a story that isn’t finished yet. I started thinking about Mary, Martha and Lazarus (John 11:1-44).  I tend to skip over the middle and go straight to the happy ending. I forget about the middle of the story, where Mary and Martha experienced deep grief.  They asked their dear friend, who they knew could heal their brother, for help.  He didn't come.

I can imagine their grief over their brother's death, and that deep sense of abandonment by their friend. Could Jesus really heal? Was Jesus really their friend? Or were the beliefs that those women held dear false?

In this time of grief and deep questioning, I am choosing to hold on to what those two women found out. Yes, Jesus did love them. And yes, His Power was sufficient to bring complete healing in their situation. So as I wait for His power and glory to be revealed, I will strive to remember that He too loves me and will bring about complete healing in His time.

Christmas Thoughts

For the past week or two, I've been walking around trying to synthesize all the various Christmas messages I've heard along with what's happening in our lives.  Life has been busy and challenging recently with family illnesses, friends in crisis, more friends leaving, and yet another battle with my nemesis, depression. At my church we've been doing a series on the people involved in the Christmas story.  I heard the sessions on both Joseph ( I forgot I was helping in Sunday school, oops!) and Mary. The first Christmas threw their carefully ordered lives into chaos.  What we celebrate as a time of joy, of God's greatest gift to humanity, quite possibly felt like a cruel joke to Mary and Joseph.

Moments ago, I sat down at the computer to respond to an email with yet more troubling news, when suddenly it all connected. During this season of grief, fear, loneliness, doubt and depression, my task is to celebrate Christ. In the midst of an increasingly troubled world, Christ promises peace. Like Mary and Joseph, I don't know what God is doing, but I do know that He is worthy of my trust and worship.

And God is doing some amazing things in our lives. This year God worked a miracle in my mother's life. She has experienced such wonderful healing that she is even driving on the expressway all by herself! This only makes sense if you know my mother, but Steve and I continually praise God for the work He is doing in her.  One of our close relatives almost died twice this year, but God was faithful and he is still alive. I am making new friends which has been a balm to my soul. My friends that haven't moved away have become increasingly busy, but God has been faithful in bringing in new friendships, or revitalizing old ones. We have three healthy children. There were some complications when Kian was born, but he recovered quickly and we were home from hospital within hours. Aris and Zane are growing in the grace and knowledge of God. We were discussing family birthdays when Aris piped up and said that a member of our family has birthday in December. I kinda guessed where she was going with this, but asked "who?". She responded "Jesus! His birthday is in December and He's a part of our family!".  Zane seems a little unsure about Christmas, but he also loves to praise God through song and dance. God has and continues to bless and provide for us, even through troubled circumstances.

May you have a blessed Christmas and experience God's peace in all circumstances, Gracie:)

I'm Back!

Greetings friends!

It’s been far too long since I updated you last.  I apologize for that.


In my last update, I announced that we had a baby boy.  Well Kian is now over 7 months old, and doing quite well!

Since Kian was born, I’ve been on parental leave.  I’ve been helping and supporting my wife and building into my relationships with my kids.  It’s been exciting to be able to get to know Aris’s classmates, and other parents at her school.

While the transition to 3 kids has been an exciting, if not challenging time, I’m pleased to report that Grace has done much better than when Zane was born. (You may recall that she struggled with postpartum depression.)  Praise God for that!

I’ve also been serving my church in various ways, from putting together a new audio-visual system to doing some graphic design work as we moved from a room in another church to a local community center.


From time to time, I’ve had opportunity to do some work for International Teams as well — updates to web sites and services, etc.

As I ease back into life at the office, I’m getting back into managing some of our web sites, assisting with various aspects of this year’s Ride for Refugees, and helping our team with some back-office upgrades that will help us to more effectively serve our missionaries and the church.

I’ve recently completed a project that has significantly improved our web sites and email services in terms of speed and reliability.

Thanks so much for your continued partnership in our ministry!

Steve.

Grace's Space: Here I Am

So I just sat down to write this and the song on the radio seems to sum up exactly where I am right now. The song is "Here I Am" by Downhere.  It talks about giving my life as an offering and that God takes my brokenness and redeems it. This seems to be what's happening in my life right now. God is so good! I rejoice often in how He has taken my brokenness and continually uses it, and makes it beautiful.

This morning I went to mom's group. As I was encouraging my children to enter the building, one of my friends came through. She seemed really down today. How well I understand that!  This week has been particularly challenging and I have started crying several times, saying "I can't do this, I can't do this".  After the study, as I was chatting with my friend, I realized that she might be under spiritual attack. It turned out that she was supposed to lead a Bible study this evening. Whenever I am involved in ministry, or even just doing what God wants me to do, I come under attack, often so badly that I need Steve to pray for me, because I can no longer pray for myself.  So my friends and I stopped and prayed together asking God to protect our friend. For me, this was a huge encouragement. To see God using my brokenness and all my struggles that I would be able to understand and come alongside a hurting friend. I am reminded that God cares about us intimately.

Two weeks ago, I had another cool experience. Once again, I am involved in youth ministry. This is our fifth year of working with the youth. However, this year I am serving with both Lincoln Road Chapel (LRC) and with LifeSpring Christian Fellowship. While I was praying about serving with LRC again, we were away at a youth retreat with both youth groups. After one of the sessions, I ended up talking and praying with a young lady for over an hour. During that time, God took all my struggles with following after God as a teen and enabled me to understand and speak truth to my young friend.

I'm trying to find the words to summarize this nicely and I just can't. I'm blown away by God's goodness! Every time He uses me to speak into someone's life, or pray with someone, I'm overwhelmed with amazement. My life has been utterly transformed in the last six years and all I can do is stand here with my arms lifted in praise. Our God is so good!

Kian's Birth: Fast and Furious

CAUTION: this is a birth story. There will be material that some may find disturbing. If so, please read other postings in this blog.

Kian Tobias was born at 12:46pm on February 23, 2008. He was due February 12th, 2008.

It's a Boy!

We're excited to announce that we have a new baby boy!Kian Tobias was born today at 12:46pm. He was 8 pounds 4.5 ounces.

Here are a few pictures. There's a bunch more to our photo gallery:
http://gallery.vanbruwaene.ca/index.php/2008/2008_02_23
You can even get the full quality ones too! More details for those of you who care about such things:

• Name: Kian Tobias Van Bruwaene


• The birth date is February 23, 2008 at 12:46pm


• He was 8 pounds 4.5 ounces


• He had some trouble breathing at first so was taken to neo natal. We got him back a couple hours later, and he's doing fine


• His first nurse went really well. He's having a bit more trouble now, but is catching on


• Kian was 11 days pas his due date, and was induced. Since we had midwives, this meant a transfer of care, so we ended up with 2 midwives, a nurse, and an OB, plus pediatrics. So we had really great care. I'm sure Grace would be happy to tell anyone who's interested more about the birth.


• Mom and baby are doing well, and looking forward to a (hopefully) good night sleep.

Thanks for your prayers.

Steve & Grace.

Grace's Space

The word "Christmas" brings to mind many different pictures. I see platters of beautifully decorated and oh-so-delicious cookies, beautifully decorated trees in wonderfully decorated (and CLEAN) living rooms, gorgeously wrapped presents and elegant Christmas cards. I love the sights, sounds and smells of Christmas. However, these are things that don't happen at my house. My cookies are in containers where children can't get them easily, and I got those from a cookie exchange (mine weren't decorated, but they are yummy!). My tree has been knocked over four times. Or maybe it's been five, I can't really remember...Said tree has been lovingly decorated by my children and then "re-decorated". Although it does have ornaments on it, all non-breakable, it has also housed my son's sock and a toy bat.

My house has a few Christmas decorations, but is far from clean. Presents will be wrapped by my talented husband and set out shortly before the children are allowed out of bed on Christmas morning. As for cards, they just don't happen. I like to tell myself I'm being environmentally responsible:)

In case you can't guess, the word I'm struggling with this Christmas is inadequate. There is a lot that challenges me on a daily basis. I'm not a good housekeeper. I'm learning and getting better, but it's a struggle. Wrapping presents is much too complicated for me. If you've received a present I've wrapped, you know what I'm talking about. Then there are the things that I just have to accept as part of this stage of life. I have small children, who like to touch and get into things. They are more important than a pretty house and tree. But the most challenging are the new limitations.

I have been pregnant before at Christmas, but this is the first Christmas I've been very pregnant. As my belly becomes bigger, there is less that I can do. The things that I love and excel at (shopping and baking) are things that I do not have enough energy to do. Letting go of the few things that I do well challenges my sense of self-worth.

My daughter has been going through a phase where she freaks out and tells us she's a bad person. As we have talked through that many many times, I am reminded what Christmas is about. We are celebrating God's gift to us because we are inadequate. Jesus didn't come to earth just to say hi, or get a feel for what being human is all about. Rather His ultimate purpose has been to meet a need that we cannot fill. No matter how much I try and how good I am, it still isn't good enough for heaven. So right now, as I'm seeing all the ways that I'm failing, I remember that Jesus is my perfection and my completion. And as I turn to Him and ask for His strength, grace, righteousness, etc, He fills me and makes me better than I can be on my own. That's all the Christmas presents I need right there.

Wishing you many blessings,
Grace

Growing like a … what?

This September, Aris started kindergarten. She is absolutely loving school, and other than a minor meltdown the night before her first day, there have been no tears. At least not shed by her. Zane, however, took her absence quite hard. I haven't cried, but I am amazed at how big my children are getting. It's hard to believe that my child is old enough to go to school.

My baby isn't a baby either anymore. He talks in sentences, he answers the phone and he's also demonstrated that he has a long term memory. Yesterday as we were walking to school, Aris asked me where my watch was. My watch has been missing for many months, last seen in Zane's possession near the couch. I explained that I didn't know where it was, but that I thought Zane had hidden it. Five minutes after we returned home, Zane handed me my watch! I was amazed, both by getting my watch back and by the levels of memory and comprehension that action displayed.

Not only is Zane showing lots of growth, I have watched Aris change as well. Her motor skills have improved greatly, as evidenced both by her drawings and her computer skills. Yes, that's right...both of my children love to play on the computer. The trick is to make sure it's their games they're playing and that they aren't just randomly pushing buttons.

The kids aren't the only things growing around here. I have begun to create a beautiful garden from my patch of dirt. Although the squirrels are my enemy, I have still managed to create a space that makes me happy. One of this weeks highlights was seeing my toad lily bloom for the very first time.

As my plants have grown and blossomed, so has my belly! I'm 20 weeks, but look a lot bigger. The baby is becoming quite active. We suspect that this one is going to be spirited just based on how hard he/she kicks. Although I'm fascinated by how my children are growing up and changing, I’m looking forward to cuddling a wee one again. And now I must go make cookies… blessings, Gracie :)

Deep Thoughts from Grace

I find it interesting how random conversations cause me to evaluate my faith. On the weekend, I called up a friend of mine to see how she’s doing. It turns out that she’s going through a rough time — she’s 37 weeks pregnant and has been diagnosed with pancreatitis. She’s been in and out of the hospital, been on heavy-duty painkillers, and been told that she may die. My friend is devout believer, although not in Christ. As our conversation turned to other things, we began to talk about how things in our world don’t make sense. After expressing my questions with why God allows things to happen, my friend gently rebuked me. In her faith, God allows bad things to happen both as a test and as a way to remove sin. Therefore it isn’t okay to question God, but instead trials need to be met with patience.

After getting off the phone with my friend, I began to think through what she had said. Her words had convicted me as I’m not very patient. I tend to meet trials with frustration and dismay; certainly not with patience and the expectation that God is working in me. Then I began to sift through her words to pull out the things that didn’t mesh with my worldview. As a follower of Christ, I believe that my sins have been paid for. I do not believe that God uses pain to remove my sins. Instead, I believe that God uses trials to mold my character into one more pleasing to Him (Romans 5:3-5).

I then started to reflect on God’s love for me. He doesn’t allow me to go through anything that I can’t handle (1Cor.10:13). In fact, not only does He assure me that He has good plans for my life (Jer. 29:11), He also reassures me that bad things are part of His plan and that He works all things in my life, pleasant and otherwise, together for good (Romans 8:28). All through the Bible, I find examples of people who went through bad times and questioned God. Yet in the end, they were able to see that God was working things for good.

I’m convinced that one of the reasons Jesus came to earth was so that He can understand what it’s like to be human. Because of that, I believe that God understands our questions in the face of trials. God is infinite, He sees the beginning and the end. Besides, He’s the author and the perfector of our faith — not only does He see all of our journey, He’s also is in charge of it. We see only small parts of whole story, and are often not in control of what is happening in our lives at all.

Over the last several months several things have impacted my life in a big way. They have brought much grief and turmoil to my life. However, as much as I question God over why they happened, I still know that He is in control. In one such situation, I am slowly seeing God at work, bringing about healing and restoration. It is awesome to see how He uses horrible situations to bring good. Yet there is still much pain left from this situation that I don’t understand. Why did God allow it to happen? How is He going to use it for good? With tears and anguish I bring those questions to God and attempt to cling to His promises.

Once again, our financial situation is causing me to question God. If we don’t have enough money coming in to pay the bills, Steve will need to get a job elsewhere. Several times a year, we start wondering if he’ll need to start looking. I know that God will provide all of my needs (Phil. 4:19). Not only is this a promise I can claim, it’s also something I’ve seen happen time after time. As much as I rejoice in God’s provision, I do not enjoy the uncertainty that waiting on Him entails.

I am privileged to be a part of what God is doing with and through IT. Neither Steve nor I feel called to leave, although life would most likely be less stressful. I don’t understand what God is doing. I don’t know why things continue to be uncertain. But I will continue to claim His promises and to rejoice in the fact that God loves me.

Please pray that I will be open to God’s work in my life, even when it comes through tough circumstances. Please also pray that I will continue to learn to be patient.

Family

Both Steve and I come from close families. We have been blessed not only with parents that live in the city, but also with families that have become friends.  As a result, we have a special christmas eve tradition that involves both families. We spend Christmas Eve Day opening presents with Steve's family, and then both families attend a Christmas Eve service together. After the service, we all go back to my parents' house for a party.  This year we're stretching Christmas out over three days that will be full of family events.

Aunts, Uncles & Grand-dogs

My sister and Steve's brother both attend school far away(Ottawa and California).  Christmas is extra exciting for my kids because they get to spend some quality time with their Auntie Amy and Uncle Dave.  Aris and Zane have also been enjoying playing with their "cousin", Dave's dog Tess. 

It's great to reconnect with my sister and do our crazy girl thing. She's grown up a lot this year and it's been neat to hear her perspective on life. 

Dave is the closest to my age(he's two years older), and we have a cool relationship. He has a very different perspective on issues so I've been taking advantage of having him home to ask him all sorts of interesting questions.  He also fills the niche of being a brother, so we have great fun harassing each other and being silly.

The Christmas Story

Having children has forced me to see the Christmas Story in a whole different light. Part of it is that I think about it more. Last Christmas, I told the story several times a day for about a month. 

My children are fascinated by babies, which explains part of their fascination. For Aris though, it runs deeper. Jesus has two daddies, just like she does. This year we have been talking more about why Jesus came to earth, and have explained that He understands what it's like to be a child. He understands what it's like to have a blended family, what it's like to be three and how hard it is to use our words, obey, etc...I think Aris is really starting to understand that Jesus is God, and that He cares about her and is on her side.

As a mother, I see the Christmas story in a whole different light. I understand some of what Mary felt, having had a socially awkward pregnancy. I can relate to being pregnant, to having an infant, and I can only imagine what it was like to hold that helpless little baby and know that I was holding God in my arms. It's mind-blowing. At Christmas time, I look at my small children and realize that Jesus was like them once.  He was a little boy learning how to walk, eat and communicate. He was a preschooler, learning how to share and how to express his feelings. Jesus came to earth, not just to die for our sins, but to understand what it's like to be human. He understands not just what it's like to be a small child, but what it's like to be an adult. And although His life looked a lot different than ours, the underlying issues are the same. So this Christmas, I'm learning that God doesn't sit in judgment of me, wondering how I could struggle with that, but that He understands me when I feel overwhelmed, or in despair because He's been there too.

What’s New With Grace?

Hmmm...that's a good question! Well, lots has happened in the last couple of months.

The coolest thing is that I haven't had any depressive episodes since June! Yay! It has been so good to have energy and to be more normal. However, I'm having to learn how to break depressive thought patterns. The last couple of months have definitely been an adventure, but it's been awesome to see God's healing power at work in my life.

We moved in September to a lovely townhouse, and we are so happy here. It has been nice to have a proper kitchen as well as a bathtub, and lots more space. I have been busy in my kitchen making all sorts of goodies. The pumpkin cheesecake was my personal favourite:)

Friends of ours live across the courtyard from us, and I babysit their children on Fridays. Aris does not like sharing, but she is enjoying playing pretend with Bianca. Although conflict is an inevitable and unpleasant part of the job, I am really enjoying being a part of Callum and Bianca's life. Fridays have become a very fun, crazy day for me that I look forward to. It's nice to help support us and feel like I'm actually contributing while helping my friend out.

Since we moved, I now have a garden to play in which is both a lot of fun and work. Currently, it doesn't look like much since I started with a bare patch, but I've been getting plants from my mother's garden (and her neighbor's) and we'll see what happens.

I am so enjoying being normal! blessings, Gracie :)

How is Grace doing?

Much better.

I still have bad days, but on the whole the combination of lots of prayer, medication and counseling has worked wonders. The warmer weather has helped immensely as well. I love springtime.

Recently God has been doing a lot of work in my life, both in terms of making me resolve hurts from the past and also in dealing with significant heart issues.

Several weeks ago, during communion God confronted me with an issue I didn't even know I had. I realized that I tend to be cynical and jaded and expect God to disappoint me. After the initial surprise, I confessed and asked God to help me to have the heart of a child, to expect Him to come through.

The next day, a co-worker told of us of a house to rent in Elmira. After initially dismissing the idea, we prayed about it, and sensed God telling us to check it out. The house was perfect. It was exactly what we were looking for, and had all the characteristics of my dream house. However, it was much more than we could afford. God had to come through in a big way for us to get this house.

Well, God decided that this wasn't the house for us and we didn't get the money. That was extremely hard for me. I cried a lot. I felt so abandoned by God. I felt set up by God, that He made me let down my guard only to hurt me. I spent a week trying to figure out what was going on, and feeling extremely hurt by God.

Yesterday, a fellow missionary was sharing in my mom's group. She shared how there were times when she felt so lonely and so abandoned by God, but when she looks back now, she sees how his timing was perfect. And as she shared, I heard God saying "See, I haven't abandoned you. Wait and be patient".

I have no clue as to what God is doing, but I am once again confident that He is in control and has good plans for my life (Jer. 29:11).

Please keep praying for Grace

Hello all!
As some of you know, Grace has been struggeling with depression. In the last few months, things have been getting better there, and I've been going into the office more and more.

This past week, things have taken a dive. She is really struggeling -- she feels like she's drowning at times. She'll be seeing her doctor tomorrow, and trying to set up more appointments with her counselor.

But I sense a real part of this is spiritual. Could you be continuing to pray for her? Your prayers make a big difference.

Praise God for parental leave. It's given me the opportunity to be home with my family more as we work through this difficult time. I will continue to try and be back at the office when I can, but we'll see how that goes.

Thanks for your continued prayer.

Steve.

Please pray for Grace

Greetings friends,

Thanks so much for your congratulations for the birth of our son Zane. It's been great to know we have friends!

Could you be really praying for Grace now. As I've mentioned, she's suffering postpartum depression, and has been having some really rough days recently. We sense there's a lot of spiritual warfare going too, so we really need you during this time to be in prayer for her.

Thanks so much.

Steve.